But Wait.... this wasn't part of my plan!!!!

If you were to look back in a 1995 class yearbook from Starkville Academy ~ you would find in my senior class prophecy something to the effect that Kimberly comes back to the 2020 class reunion with 7 beautiful screaming kids!! Yes, that's right 7!! I have always been maternal~ I was queen of babysitting even at the young age of 12 ~I had a plan "the perfect plan" at least in my mind.I finished high school, graduated college, married and had this perfect vision of the white picket fence and tons of babies everywhere with a wonderful Christian husband that was home every night. Well, I did the whole graduate from college thing and married the wonderful Christian husband, he's a pilot so the home every night was not part of the plan~ the 7 beautiful kids was not part of the plan. I never in a million dreams ever even considered or entertained the thought that I would have trouble having babies much less lose babies. THAT WAS NOT PART OF MY PLAN. See at this point in my life although I was a Christain, I had yet to realize that God's plan for me was bigger and better than my own. I had always been a pretty good girl, never caused my parents very much trouble~ I deserved my desires ~ I deserved to have a child right when I wanted one~ what had I done wrong. It was 2002~ I had been married a few years and I had just suffered my second miscarriage in the midst of chaotic fertility drugs and treatment. David and I had come into contact with a little girl who once had a loving very successful mother that had now turned into a prostitute to get her crack fix. David and I spent months and months helping them and we finally got this sweet mother into rehab. We were driving in my car one Sunday afternoon after months and months of driving around at 3 am to find her and get her to a safe hotel room. I looked over at her on this cold Sunday night and I said you know we have talked about Jesus and I have prayed for you~ you shoot up to get high and I shoot myself with needles to get pregnant~ you threw away your daughter and I would give anything to have a daughter~ this stone cold woman began to weep before my eyes~ I was amazed~ that night we took her to rehab, she could not have visitors for 7 days~ so the following Sunday, David and I made the hour and a half drive to visit her and take her clothes,etc...while making my first step into the door~ the lady that we came to visit introduced us to a new friend that she made that had lost both of her sons to the state.This new friend began to tell me how she just couldn't stop smoking crack even though she was carrying the most beautiful 8 month pregnant belly I had ever seen in all my life~ David and I returned to the car and it was silent~ he said you know it's really not about you~ I didn't care~ I was furious and bitter and that night, my dialogue with Jesus was not pretty it went something like" oh yeah God when you threw the pregnant crack addict at me I was witnessing about you~ I gave to the VBS budget last week ,I am at church constantly and you trusted a crack addict with a baby more than me. Anyway, making a long story short the next day was a Monday and I was eaten up ~ I didn't take phone calls and I didn't leave the house~ David had left for a trip, so I had plenty of time with just me and the Lord~ "my plan" had been thrown out of the window~ I did not respond well to being a failure~ I deserved a baby~ I couldn't deal with losing yet another baby~ didn't God know that I had all I could handle ,I could not take this anymore~ all day I screamed and cried out ~see even in the midst of my anger, my Father loved me enough to hold on and not let go~ Tuesday morning came and it was clear that I needed to go to the church alter~ there was only one problem, I didn't go to the church alter on Sundays when the preacher opened it up for people to go forward, much less was I going to go to the alter on a Tuesday morning~ BUT ~ I went ~ I went in PJ pants and an old T-shirt no make-up~ I didn't want to see a soul, so I snuck in the side door and went to that alter~ I stretched my arms as far as they could reach and I cried on my face before my Father~ after a good 45 minutes or so a dear sweet children's minister at our church came and knelt beside me ~ she put her arm around me and took me into her office ~ I told her that I was completely broken~ she said and I will never forget~ " great, now we can see what the Lord really wants to do"~ I was shocked~ we got on our knees and she prayed~ she said Father you know this woman's heart and we pray boldly before your throne for a baby fully expecting your will to be done. See I had been a Christain for 16 years at this point ,I had been a foreign missionary in Honduras, I had done tons of mission trips, I read my Bible~ but even though this Tuesday morning that Winter was not part of "my Plan" it was part of God's ~ I was broken that day and I told God that if I never had children, I never wanted another 24 hours between us like the previous had been. I learned that day at the alter that I needed to stop seeking God's hands~ I needed to seek His face ~ I needed to practice true faith ~ being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see. Because of that Tuesday morning at the alter broken before Jesus, a few months later when my mother called and had breast cancer that had spread into her lymphnodes, it was going to be Ok, because I knew my Father in a different way, a year later, when a grandmother that I adored and if 2 people could share the same soul, it would be me and her~ as she drew her last breath, I held on to that cold Tuesday morning with Jesus at that alter~ See that Tuesday morning at the alter didn't exist in any part of "my plan" and as difficult as it was~ I wouldn't take anything for that life changing moment that day~ God's plan is always bigger and better than ours~ when we can't stand on our own, He stands for us, when we cry, His tears are bigger ~ when our heart breaks, He holds the pieces and His breaks for us too~ We serve a Father that adores us all of the time, and wants us to step away from our preconceived plans so that we can receive the perfect plan that only comes from Him. I know I posted Jeremiah 29:11 in a previous post, but I want to post it again~ it is such an inspiring verse. No matter where you find yourself today ~ God's plan for you is in the works~ He does not sleep, He does not rest when it comes to you and His plan for you is on His mind constantly and at the top of His "to do" list~ although there are things that we may or may not ever understand while we are here~with God, there is always specific purpose and a specific plan designed and individualized just for you~no two beings have the same plan, God loves you enough and thinks that you are important enough to have a customized plan. Sometimes His plan requires us to wait and that is difficult, but so worth it~ God is spectacular all of the time!!

As we all seek His plan,
Kimberly
Isaiah 40:27-31